What would Jesus drink? Vodka, whiskey, beer, wine, or a pretentious “handmade” cocktail? Running the universe carries a lot of responsibilities and I imagine it depends on the mood Big J is in. Everyone has a go to adult beverage for sure, but some days require a different libation. So if you don’t mind, I’m gonna tell you what Jesus would drink.

1. Vodka

The most neutral of all spirits. It would make sense that this would be Jesus’s drink of choice. He loves all of human kind equally and wants everyone to be happy. Vodka makes an adult enhancement to any beverage without adding much flavor and Jesus adds value to human lives without much of a change. But I don’t think Jesus wants a neutral spirit to help unwind after running this planet of sinners; I think he needs something with

2. Whiskey

Now here is a spirit with character. From rye to scotch and everything in between whiskey has character. Jesus seems to me like a scotch drinker at heart. He has the been there done that mentality, a man experienced beyond his years. But the problem with whiskey is Jesus has to choose a side. If he chooses rye than he spits in the face of Scotland and if he chooses bourbon he divides America. Jesus can’t choose correctly in this category. He’s damned if he does and damned if he doesn’t choose a side.

3. Beer

It’s been said by many people that beer is the nectar of the gods or beer is proof God loves man. Beer is definitely not a gift given to man by accident. Jesus prided himself on being a humble everyday guy. So it would sense Jesus would drink beer like everyone else on the planet. I believe that he did at one point. But with so many beers out there today I think beer fatigue would set in and keep Jesus away from this Pandora’s box of a category.

4. Wine

The original beverage of choice at Jesus’s dinner parties. Jesus loved wine so much he told us to drink wine and it would turn into his blood and we would be forgiven. It’s safe to say that this is Jesus’s favorite adult beverage. Then I’m reminded that Jesus had to drink wine. The water quality back when he was chilling on earth was like 5x worse than Montezuma’s Revenge. Jesus would never choose something because he has to, he would make something up instead.

5. Pretentious “handmade” cocktail

This has Jesus written all over it.  The nature of the handmade cocktail lends itself to an infinite amount of flavor, texture, and liquor combinations. Infinite just like Jesus. Running the universe can have its problems and handmade cocktails can be tailored to any mood, stress level, or party mode. I also think that given Jesus’s propensity (beard and his dad is rich) for the hipster culture the pretentiously made cocktail fits. All of that makes the pretentious handmade cocktails a winner in Jesus’s eyes.